My Story {part 1} which also has the short version
My Story {part 2}
We did the second Clomid cycle, and conceived, in a crazy
month of travel – if you really want to think about it count back and figure
out which trip/city/house where it happened…
This second cycle I ovulated! My chart (basal body
temperature) left no question of that. For the first time I had a chart that
looked “normal.” Five days after ovulation I met with the RE for the first
time. Dr. C was awesome. She looked at my charts, rather than dismissing them.
She looked at my records and validated my IF and my stress. I didn’t realize
how much I just needed to hear “I know this is really stressful for you.” And
then at the end of the visit she said, “I have no doubt that you will be
parents.” Dr. C was the first doctor in 10 years who I felt took my concerns
about my fertility seriously. She
didn’t dismiss my stress. She didn’t brush it off making it an “easy fix.”
Dr. C did a bit of blood work, including the genetic
screening that is standard (I’m not a carrier for anything common!) and said
that since I had the known problem (not ovulating) and that Clomid seemed to be
working, that we should stick with a minimally invasive plan for the time
being. I was given a refillable prescription for Clomid and told to come back
in three months if not pregnant. - At that time we would discuss changing the
meds, upping the dosage possibly adding Metformin, a couple of other things.
And also discuss if running any tests on Rob should happen. I left that
appointment knowing we were in good hands and at least for a couple of weeks
relaxed that even if it took awhile we would be ok.
But instead of filling that prescription, I took a pregnancy
test on October 25. It was a bit early to test, but it was a Tuesday. And
Tuesday in 2010 meant kickball. So I took the test because I wanted to know if
I could drink. I fully expected it to be negative. But I got out of the shower
and there was the faintest of lines. I was a shocked. I woke up Rob and showed
him the test and he didn’t believe me at first – but a line is a line. An aside
here, he had been out late the night before, I can’t remember why, but I do
remember he was not in a very good mood that Tuesday morning. So not the “yay
we’re pregnant moment” I had imagined. I just really didn’t think I was
pregnant this cycle. Over the
course of the day it started to sink in a bit that this could be real. So on
the way to kickball, we bought another test – which I took the following
morning. This one was a digital test, so no ambiguity. I asked Rob to look and
he said “it doesn’t say not pregnant.”
I called Dr. C’s office and went in for a beta HCG test. I
went in for 2 more, the numbers looked great and then for an early ultrasound
at 5 weeks. This was too early for
a heartbeat but we saw the sac and confirmed a single uterine pregnancy. At 7
weeks Rob came with me for a second ultrasound. Here we saw our little tadpole
with a strong heartbeat. Rob cried. Definitely one of the best moments of my
life.
Now I was pregnant and moved to my OB. But although the
stress of “can I get pregnant” was gone, it wasn’t perfect. I knew too much
maybe, through all of my research and blog reading, I knew about miscarriage
and early and late loss. Even though Dr. C said that chance of miscarriage had
dropped to almost nothing, in the back of my mind I worried that it had been
too easy. I knew women who suffered so much, so why did I deserve to have it so
relatively easy, minimally invasive and 2 cycles. I worried I hadn’t suffered
enough and didn’t deserve to be so happy. I know these thoughts are not
rational. I prayed a lot and had to trust God that this would work out. And
that infertility and pregnancy and loss aren’t about deserving anything. Sometimes life really sucks and sometimes we
are able to just be happy.
Around 10 weeks I was able to finally let go of most of
these intrusive parts and just enjoy being pregnant. I had a good pregnancy.
Severe motion sickness wasn’t so awesome, but there was nothing abnormal, no
bed rest, I enjoyed being pregnant.
My labor and delivery were traumatic and I had some bonding issues once
Simon arrived. This was a whole
other kind of guilt, that I had wanted this baby so much, and worked to get
him, and now I was second guessing my wish to be a mom and not head-over-heels
in love. But that came. And I can hardly remember life without Simon, because
he’s awesome.
Our future…I don’t know. I work really hard to let stress
go. And if we had not gotten pregnant, I would have been ok. Simon’s birth was
traumatic enough that afterward I said I would be ok with just one kid. And I
still would be. But now that he’s 9 months old, I do want to be pregnant again
someday. I was on the fence about if I would go to the RE again (twins really
scares me) but we’ve talked. And since minimally invasive worked once, we are
open to Clomid again. I’m still nursing so that has an impact, but I’m seeing
the signs that my body is going to behave the same as always with crazy long
cycles and spotting but no period. I have a couple of big school milestones
that I need to put behind me before trying again. But when I’m ready back to
Dr. C we go. Hopefully it will work. And if it doesn’t we’ll decide from there.
It’s nice to have a plan.
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